From The Vault: The Merging AIGENcy

I originally planned on doing a lengthy blog about how the media has basically geared its entire focus on the death of Michael Jackson, but I decided to go opt against for several reasons. First of all, fact are facts, he's dead and I'm not going to linger onto the past, especially when there are major problems such as these protests in Iran. Speaking of Iran, we should be keeping a good distance from their problems, but that's a different blog. Second, we know that the media is drawing too much attention to Jackson's death and it's bothering plenty of people, who know that there are more important stories out there. Finally, I was called into work today at last minute and so I am pressed for time tonight and I wanted to give my readers something.

I decided to pull another of my writings for tonight's blog and I wrote this two months ago. It's a mock article that I had written and submitted to the Banner. The Banner's editor in chief Bill Kline liked the article and it may pop up in a future Banner edition next year. I came up with the idea of the article after Bill had told me that my writing reminded him of something that you may read in The Onion. At the time, I decided to tackle the corruption of corporations, such as, AIG and GM. While it's not my best work, it offers a couple of good laughs and offers a good satirical look at these money hungry corporations. I think you'll enjoy the end product.

The Merging AIGENCy

AIG and GM, two debt-ridden companies, merge to save themselves. (Literally)

By Ian Feldman

On Monday morning, American International Group (AIG) CEO Edward Liddy and General Motors (GM) CEO Fritz Henderson announced that their companies would merge in order to save themselves from bankruptcy.

The merger, which went into effect Monday afternoon, will establish the American International General Motors Corporation (AIGENC) and form a debt so huge that filing for bankruptcy is out of the question. This would be the first time that a home insurance company merged with an automotive company.

The announcement comes a few weeks after President Obama ordered former CEO Rick Wagoner to pack up his things and get out. The decision to merge with AIG was originally Wagoner’s idea.

“I’m glad that these two great giant companies will come together and form a superdebt,” said Wagoner, as he boarded his luxurious private jet to head to his home in the Hamptons. It was a retirement gift.

Liddy is also optimistic about the entire situation and sees the merger’s good intentions. “This can really get us back in the eye of the American public after all these months of feeling like we took advantage of them,” said Liddy. “We at AIG or AIGENC understand the great deception, I mean perception of the American people.”

Liddy has asked one of his accountants to add up the superdebt and the number forced the man into a cardiac arrest. With AIG’s $65 billion debt and GM’s $35 billion debt, the grand debt would be $110 billion and that number is surely to rise.

“The logic behind this merger is that it will create a debt so terrible it will wipe out all other debts and swallow up all the other debts of the companies that collapse,” said Liddy’s accountant. “We nicknamed ourselves the “Conficker Group” because with a debt so big like that the government finds themselves in a catch-22 and whether or not people like it AIGENCY is here to stay.”

The first issue that the AIGENCY plans to focus on is how to win back AIG’s customers, which have been hurt badly in the financial crisis. As a result, Henderson and Liddy have decided that for all the hassle that they put their customers through over the past several years they will be reimbursed with a free car with most expenses paid, although some minor details due apply.

AIGENCY plans on having its first car/house auction this summer and they seem more than optimistic about the event. “We at the AIGENCY realize the faults of these problems and it is a major concern to us,” said Libby. Although we feel that is rather childish to be pointing fingers at one another, we are here to show the American people, that we have a great deal of gratuity and appreciation for the full-fledged trust that they first put into us and for that we must pay them back dearly with our sincere gratuity.”

Gratuity – 1. Over and above payment for service, 2. A Tip, 3. Giving out bonuses during a financial crisis.

By the way, gratuity is supposed to be a malapropism so don't get too confused.

This has been Ian Feldman speaking words of wisdom.