First off I'm glad to say that I have been blogging for a full month and it's really been a cool experience for me. Now that I'm officially a staff writer for The Banner in the Fall, I will try to promote more reader interest for my school's newspaper and post some of my columns that i have written after they have been published.
Back to where we left off last Saturday, I showed you some of the stuff that I helped write and produce with my classmates and although it doesn't compare to the real experience, it brings back good memories. There were two other projects that I did with my classmates, both of which,turned out to be flops. One I didn't have any part in writing, but the other was a failed attempt at a sitcom short. When we were brainstorming ideas for a possible sitcom short, i had two ideas one of them really good, the other i felt was decent. Of course, everyone decided to go with the decent one. The idea was to have four guys of different minorities living in the same house. There was the black guy, the asian guy, the jewish guy, and the mexican guy. The pilot episode dealt with the four guys fighting over the white Italian girl, who moves in down the hall. We all know how everybody loves an extremely racist premise for a tv show. The script that I had written turned out to be pretty good but the filming was a train wreck. I used a bit of Seinfeld humor and some "All in The Family" humor too. I titled it "Houses of Unholy" Yeah, so not only did i create a potentially racist tv premise, i associated "Led Zeppelin" with it. that's a double whammy. Anyway, it's a bit long but here it is and enjoy.
Houses of the Unholy
(Filmed during an earlier segment)
Narrator: This is the story of four young men who came from totally different worlds. Isaiah Peterson was born into an African American family and had a rough time growing up. (Scene changes to Franklin being handcuffed by a cop)
Cop: Sir, we’re gonna have to arrest you. You’re a possible suspect for the robbery on Union Street.
Isaiah: What are you kidding me? I saw the footage on TV that dude was as white as Sinead O’Connor.
Cop: Well that’s not my problem.
Isaiah: Oh yeah well I’m gonna get my lawyer and we’re gonna sue you. You ain’t heard the last of this, if I find you again I’m gonna take and cut your…(freezes)
Narrator: Despite all the rough times, his innocence has prevailed him. He is currently working in a department store and plays basketball and football. Isaiah has the power to make any girl fall for him, even the ones that play hard to get. (girl is walking outside of a store.)
Girl: I’ve had it wit all these fellas, I ain’t gonna fall for no big shot man.
Isaiah: hey baby.
Girl: Wat you want?
Isaiah: Your eyes shine bright like mistletoe, your long hair waves nice and slow I might have to interrogate you, cause you stole my soul.
Girl: (Hands paper) Here’s my number. Call me tonight. (Franklin looks at camera and winks.)
Narrator: Then there’s Josh Weinstein who comes from a conservative Jewish family. He has strived to make a name for himself in Hollywood and although he basically failed, he was a technical crew member for “Pearl Harbor” but he hated the job.
Ben Affleck: I said I wanted cream, no sugar.
Josh: I’m sorry, Mr. Affleck. I’ll go get you another coffee.
Ben Affleck: Forget it, kid, you’re gonna be a nobody. My career is soaring right now and nothing is going to stop me.
Josh: (Walking away) Oh yeah we’ll see about that.
Narrator: Josh claims that he helped destroy Ben Affleck’s career. He’s now currently working as a stagehand for the show Rent, which he hates.
(Isaiah, Tony and their A Capella group are singing “Seasons of Love”)
Josh: When does it stop? (Walks away)
Narrator: When it comes to relationships, Josh has had his ups and down.
Girl: (Standing in front of door) Come on in Josh, I want to show you the miracle of Hanukkah.
Josh: I guess going to temple every week does pay off.
(Josh and Orthodox girl are sitting next to each other.)
Religious girl: Well I thought about it and we can have sex, but we have to use a sheet.
Josh: A sheet? I’m not sure if I understand what you’re saying.
Religious girl: We must where a sheet over our bodies because we’re not supposed to see each other’s private parts.
Josh: Well where’s the fun in that?
Narrator: Then there’s Eric Perez, who came from a poor Mexican family but now is the assistant manager at the Home Depot. He invented an advanced video console and would have been extremely wealthy had it not been for one man who discovered the system first.
Eric: (Reading newspaper) Bill Gates invents X-BOX system. I can’t believe this fool stole my idea. He’s got enough money already.
Narrator: Eric used to have trouble with dating because of his uncontrollable flatulence.
Girl: What is that horrible smell?
Eric: I should really cut down on those baked beans and guacamole.
Waiter: Mami Chuleta! (ARSE Gas)
Eric: Ahh! Now I feel so much better.
Girl: Yea, but I still smell something foul.
Waiter: Excuse me, ma’m it must be the curry.
Narrator: Thanks to ARSE-Gas, dating seemed to be better for Eric.
Finally, there’s Tony Hu, who doesn’t know what nationality he is because he was adopted by Polish people when he was baby. He grew up believing that he was Polish until his foster parents told him at 11 he was really Asian. Tony used to sell bootleg movies and CDs.
Disgruntled Man: I came here last week to buy Titanic for my family to watch and you know what I got “Naughty Nights with Kimi and Coco.” Why was this movie in there?
Tony: I don’t make these movies I sell them. I don’t know why you’re angry it’s a great movie.
DM: Well my family doesn’t need to see this type of film.
Tony: Both movies show boobies so I don’t see your point.
DM: Oh so you’re a smart guy. Let me take down your name and report you to the police.
Tony: Ok, it’s Tony.
DM: Tony what?
Tony: Hu
DM: You
Tony: No, Hu
DM: What’s your last name?
Tony: Hu
DM: YOURS! Forget it I don’t care if your name is Tony Who, Tony What or Tony When. (Another Asian walks up)
Guy #1: No, I’m Tony Wen.
DM: And I’m Tony How. (Walks away)
Guy #2: Hey that guy has the same name as me.
Narrator: Tony is currently unemployed but enjoys karate, soccer, wrestling, singing and going to bars. He is one of the few people that are still a Milli Vanilli fan. One day these four men crossed paths and despite their differences they were all able to connect with one another. So the men decided to buy an apartment together and this is their story.
(Pre-recorded segment ends)
Scene 1: Spring 2005(Eric and Josh are sitting on the couch watching soccer, Josh is not too pleased, Isaiah is doing a workout in the back.)
Eric: Come on Peru, you can’t let Brazil win again.
Josh: Why do we have to watch this? What’s so interesting about men chasing a black and white ball down a field? Also the fans are so manic, when you go to a soccer game you know somebody’s going to get killed.
Eric: Alright so what do you watch? Golf there is no intensity in that game.
Josh: No I was thinking of more of MLB 2K5. (Isaiah heads to stereo and puts in CD.)
Eric: Fine but you know it pisses me off cause I should be making a profit from it. (Music start playing loud)
Josh: Well I don’t know the best way to put it but… will you shut that junk off how many times have I asked you not to blast that.
Isaiah: Well I’m sorry this stuff gets the muscles pumped and you know the ladies dig my guns. (Kisses his biceps.)
Josh: Don’t play that song when I’m around.
Isaiah: Whatcha gonna do if I don’t?
Josh: I’ll tie you to a chair and force you to listen to 5 hours of Barbara Streisand and Michael Bolton back to back.
Isaiah: You win. (heads to the couch)
Eric: Yeah, I wouldn’t play that song again cause that’s torture man.
Josh: Anyway I think Bill Gates took your idea so it would be believable. I mean who would believe that a Mexican created the XBOX; it’s to create a satisfying image.
Isaiah: Sounds like something Milli Vanilli would do. (Tony enter)
Tony: What you be saying about the Milli?
Isaiah: How do you still like them? They didn’t sing their own songs, they were just paid to look nice.
Tony: Well I respect them for telling the truth.
Isaiah: They should have done that beforehand. ( Doorbell rings) I’ll get the door.
(Isaiah opens the door and there stands the sexy Veronica smiling. She is holding a box. Cue: Marvin Gaye: Let’s Get It On. All four men take a good look at her and study her up and down.)
Eric: (Whispering to Josh) Who’s birthday is it?
Josh: (Whispering) I don’t know but today’s a good day to celebrate my birthday.
Isaiah: Boy, when they say opportunities are right at your door, they mean it. Hello, beautiful, allow me to introduce myself. I’m (Kisses her hand) Isaiah. How can I help you?
Veronica: Hi, I’m Veronica Bethany Lodge. I just moved in across from you and I was wondering if you and your friends could help me with my things.
Isaiah: I can but it might be a little too hard for these guys
Veronica: You sure I have a lot of furniture that needs to be arranged.
Isaiah: Don’t you worry we’ll be done in no time. (Isaiah and Veronica move across the hall)
Eric: He did not just do that.
Josh: Oh yea he did and he’s gonna ask her out.
Kevin: Not if I ask her first. (All three head to the door and get stuck. Switch to second camera Veronica’s apartment.)
Veronica: So how do you know those guys?
Isaiah: The Spanish guy is actually the caretaker of the apartment and only understands us cause we give him a free lunch. The other two share the apartment with me. So baby, what brings you to this side of town?
Veronica: Oh I just got out of college and got this great job nearby.
Isaiah: Oh you must be a model for Maxim or something with that body.
Veronica: No, I’m a Defense Attorney. I graduated 4th in my class from NYU.
Isaiah: Sue me!
Veronica: Maybe I will. What about you?
Isaiah: oh… I am assistant manager at Wayne Enterprises.
Veronica: Where is that located?
Isaiah: Gotham Square. (Standing outside) Hey we should get to know each other a little more. You doing anything tonight?
Veronica: I didn’t plan on anything …
(Alyssa appears from down the hall)
Alyssa (Lisp): Hello Isaiah-Pie
Isaiah: Oh no. (Rolls eyes)
Alyssa: Who’s this?
Isaiah: This is Veronica Lodge, Defense Attorney.
Alyssa: Oh I’m Alyssa Morales, Speech Pathologist.
Veronica: That’s such a great field.
Alyssa: Well people have told me I’m very talented with my mouth in more than one way.
Isaiah: Alright, I’m gonna go right now speak to you later.
Alyssa: Wait, come back honey.
(Isaiah runs down the hall, Alyssa follows. Veronica turns around and sees the room has been straighten and see Tony, Eric and Josh standing there.)
Veronica: Oh my you did a fabulous job but how did you get in here.
Tony: Well the producers sort of went cheap with the show.
Veronica: Well, Thank you anyway and Gracias tu.
Eric: oh I speak and understand English.
Veronica: How come your friend said you didn’t understand English?
Eric: Oh that’s because he’s jealous. At least when I take orders from others I get paid for it.
Josh: Say since we helped you out maybe we could treat you to dates, of course you and me can go somewhere tonight and I’ll leave it up to those two to decide when they want their date.
Tony: What you don’t want to go out with him, you should go out with me. I’ll protect you with my (make various gestures with hands, and body) kung-fu techniques. (Isaiah enters)
Eric: You go do that Hiro. You should go out with me cause I am a real Latin lover.
Isaiah: (Sounding like a commentator) Who will Veronica choose? The Jewish Accountant from Long Island, The Korean Engineer from Chinatown, or The Mexican Pool Boy from well Mexico. You guys are crazy. Now I will explain why you should go out with me?
(All 4 start giving reasons and Veronica finally gets annoyed.)
Veronica: GUYS, calm down. (They stand still.) Now I don’t think it’ll be fair if I only went out with one of you, so I will go out with you all as a group date. Is that fair?
The Four Guys: Yeah.
Veronica: Be here to pick me up at 6:45.
(Guys head into their apartment)
Isaiah: We are gonna have a hell of a time tonight.
Tony: Yea, when she saw me I could tell she liked me. I could see it with my own eyes.
Eric: That’s not saying too much, but yea tonight’s going to be awesome and nothing’s gonna stop us.
Josh: Except maybe me. (From across the hall they heard Veronica’s voice.)
Veronica: Hi Daddy, listen I’m going to go take a shower right now. A few guys are coming to pick me up for a date when they ring the bell can you answer the door.
Eric: Or that.
(Commercial Break.)
(We are back in the guys apartment. They found out Veronica’s dad is in the apartment and is answering the door. They are deciding what to do.)
Josh: Well I think it’s best if we go one at a time and see what happens. So who’s first? (Eric, Josh and Tony look at Isaiah.)
Isaiah: I knew it always send the black man first, don’t expect me to pay for the bill. (Walks across hall and nervously knocks on the door. The door open, an odd looking man with glasses and mustache steps out and studies Isaiah. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet.)
Mr. Lodge: All I have on me is thirty dollars, so if you’re too greedy and come at me I’m gonna have to stab you in the jugular with a pen and it’s a ballpoint too.
Isaiah: I’m not here to rob you. I’m actually living in this apartment for a while.
Mr. Lodge: Oh I didn’t know the Underground Railroad was still in business.
Isaiah: Very funny joke. Give me five. (Raises his hand to initiate a high-five.)
Mr. Lodge: Sorry I don’t do gang handshakes. Why are you here?
Isaiah: I’m taking your daughter out on a date tonight.
Mr. Lodge: That’s a funny joke, too. Seriously why are you here?
Isaiah: I said I’m taking your daughter out on a date.
Mr. Lodge: You killed it the second time. You think I’m going to let my daughter go on a date with you. You know what they say once you go black you never go back.
Isaiah: I find that extremely offensive, I’m a lover not a fighter. I can woo any girl over check this out. And as we sit down besides by the fire, her heart I begin to desire.
Mr. Lodge: Usher, I suggest you go before I throw coffee in your face and you’ll look like Seal. (Isaiah walked away as fast as he could walked back into his apartment.)
Isaiah: oh guys remember I said no one could be worse than that slave owner from roots well I found someone worse.
Eric: What let me see what this is about. (He walked to the apartment and knocked on the door. Mr. Lodge comes out of the door.)
Mr. Lodge: Are you here to get the towels?
Eric: No sir I live here.
Mr. Lodge: I got to talk to my daughter and tell when she buys a house make sure it’s not in the projects. What do you want?
Eric: I have a date with your daughter.
Mr. Lodge: And you expect her to pay for both of you?
Eric: Sir I work in the Home Depot.
Mr. Lodge: Wow, so they actually let you stand inside of the store how very generous. And as for dating my daughter, read my lips. (Mouths NO.) Now I will be forced to stare into your eyes until you leave my sight. (Eric heads into the room. Shortly Tony opens the door and knocks on the door. Mr. Lodge returns.) Sorry we didn’t order any Chinese food.
Tony: Sir, first I am not Chinese, I think I’m Korean but I was raised Polish.
Mr. Lodge: You should be thankful now; Poland can catch up a few centuries because they now have technological advances.
Tony: Sir, you rudely interrupted me and second I take such offense to your racism.
Mr. Lodge: Oh I am not a racist, it’s hard to understand when you can’t see much. Now I am guessing you want to go out with my daughter so I’ll say no. Go back to reading that Anime crap, at least in American comics you understand why everybody’s trying to kill one another.
Tony: You sir are an idiot and I bet nobody liked you in school. And how is it that Veronica’s still taking a shower? (Tony heads back to the room and slams the door. Finally Josh comes out and knocks on the door.)
Mr. Lodge: Ah finally you must be Veronica’s date.
Josh: Yes I am. Nice to meet you sir. As we say in Hebrew, Shalom.
Mr. Lodge: Oh you’re Jewish, why aren’t you wearing those hats?
Josh: I’m not orthodox sir and don’t make fun of my culture, we work too hard.
Mr. Lodge: You’re right after all one day you might have to defend me in court. So I’m giving you permission to date my daughter but if hurt her feelings you’ll have to do more than praying when I’m done.
Josh: Oh well thank you sir for the warm welcome. (Veronica came from behind her father. Mr. Lodge walks back into the apartment and looks at Josh before closing the door.)
Veronica: Hey Josh, sorry I was so late. Where are the other guys?
Josh: Oh they couldn’t make it, they got very sick from the KFC they ate.
Veronica: That’s such a shame. So where do you want to go?
Josh: There’s this nice restaurant down the street.
Veronica: Sounds good. (They walks off the stage and start walking through the crowd, knocking into the other students sitting on chairs. Meanwhile Isaiah, Eric and Tony come out of their apartment in shock.)
Tony: Oh my god, that is so not fair. He’s going with her because he’s a white boy.
Isaiah: We can’t let that happen, we got to find a way to stop this.
Eric: Oh yeah what are we supposed to do pretend we’re on dates.
Isaiah: Actually, I have an idea. Huddle up like we’re in a Disney sports movie. (Second is on the restaurant set and Josh and Veronica are walking in the crowd and I finally get up on the stage.)
Josh: This is the cheapest show I have ever worked on.
Veronica: You think this is bad in my last movie my character raped by two football players. Luckily most of it was computer generated so it wasn’t that bad.
Josh: (Looks at camera) Oh we’re back on, edit that. So I hear you’re a defense attorney, that’s a great job.
Veronica: Why thank you and what do you do?
Josh: Oh I’m an Accountant/Lawyer/Doctor.
Veronica: How’d you manage to get through all that schooling?
Josh: Well in my field, you’re either have to work real hard or sleep your way to the top. I slept with Mrs. Dale, the college administrator. (Veronica looks in surprise.) I’m just kidding, I’m actually a stagehand for Rent. (Approaching desk at restaurant, Josh recognized it was Tony disguised.) Table for two, please.
Veronica: Hey doesn’t he look familiar?
Josh: No I’ve never seen him in my life.
Tony: You have to wait for a table, sir
Josh: Well they’re only two in the whole place and they’re empty.
Tony: Well just imagine there are people, I’ll show you to your table. Allow me to walk you Madame.
Veronica: Why thank you. (Tony grabbed her by the hand and started leading her to the table. Josh kicks Tony in the back of the leg.)
Tony: Ahh! Sorry I think I might’ve pulled a muscle in my leg.
Veronica: Oh are you alright?
Tony: Yeah, I’ll be fine. Let me point you towards the table. It’s this way. (Tony swung his arm and struck Josh in the face.) Sorry sir, I must have not seen you there.
Josh: (Muttering) Open your eyes next time if you can. (Josh and Veronica sit down.)
Veronica: Are you ok?
Josh: Yea it was just an accident. Don’t worry; we’ll have a wonderful… night. (Isaiah and Alyssa enter the restaurant.)
Alyssa: I can’t believe you took me to this magnificent restaurant. I heard the food is spectacular.
Isaiah: Yes I’m gonna have so much fun tonight that I could just die and I’d feel rejoiced.
Alyssa: That’s cause if you died I would be right with you. (Waiter comes to Josh’s table.)
Waiter: Vould you like Vanything to drink?
Josh: Two glasses of champagne would be nice.
Waiter: Coming vright up, sir. (Waiter leaves)
Josh: So what kind of music do you like?
Veronica: I like pop music like Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera but Britney Spears is my favorite idol because she would never do anything weird or stupid.
Alyssa: So who’s gonna win the playoffs?
Isaiah: It’s hard to say Cleveland looks hot though
Josh: What do you think of our President?
Alyssa: He’s such a loser, Vince Carter is awesome and hot too. He can have my babies. Oh my god if I saw him naked right now. I’d
Josh: blow it. The didgeridoo make a low buzzing sound which is cool. It’s..
Isaiah: Long and hard…concentration will help you win at poker. Then if you have good card, you lay your hands…
Veronica: Down his pants and when we saw it was creepy. Almost as if it was…
Alyssa: A hairy beast, I never knew what Sasquatch looked like. I
Josh: Think
Isaiah: That
Veronica: I
Alyssa: Love
Josh: You
Isaiah: And
Veronica: Want
Alyssa: You
Josh: To
Isaiah: Get
Veronica: Down
Alyssa: On
Josh: Your
Isaiah: Knees
Veronica: And
Alyssa: Play
Josh: Some
Isaiah: Baseball
(Improvise more one-liners. Waiter returns.)
Waiter: Can I take vore order?
Josh: What are the specials tonight?
Waiter: For soup, we have Minestrone and Crab, for salad we have crab salad, some other entrées include The King Crab delight, Chicken Pot Crab, Crab burgers, Crab Mignon.
Josh: Do you have anything besides crab? I’m allergic to shellfish.
Waiter: We have eel. (Josh gives a disgusted look)
Josh: No thanks. Why does everything have crab in it, I wouldn’t be surprised if the champagne had crab in it.
Waiter: Very well right you are.
Josh: I think it’s time to go. ( Waiter signals busboy to help him, it’s Eric.)
Eric: What a shame they only serve Crab, it’s funny I thought saw someone with a steak.
Josh: You set me up, Mr. Lawnmower man. (Josh went toward Eric pushing him to the floor.) You ruined everything and I don’t believe you built the XBOX Mexicans can’t even outsmart border patrol.
Eric: You did not just say that. I’m gonna kick your white Jewish ass.(Isaiah and Tony have already joined the fight. Veronica looks around and starts to become annoyed and screams.)
Veronica: Shut up and stop the fighting. You should be ashamed of yourselves. (They all stop and look at her.) I can’t believe any of you would be so immature to do this. You all fought against one another for my heart and none of you won. I sort of lied to you I’m a Reporter for a magazine and I’m doing a report on how men act in different cities. Then again you sort of lied too. (Points at Isaiah) You call yourself a ladies man, Mr. Department Store employee I don’t know what woman would wanna go out with you. (Points to Eric) You had to do all that Latin lover stuff and you’re making a big fuss about making the XBOX big deal it sucks anyway. (Guys mouths dropped and start to get mad. Points at Tony) You my little Asian friend are a fake, with your Kung Fu Chuck Norris Powers and you should wake up it’s not the 90s anymore MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice isn’t around anymore. (Points at Josh.) You my friend are the worst; tell me all these impressing things just so you can get your hands in my pants, well it isn’t happening to any of you. I think I’ve found my story for New York and it just proves men are just the same everywhere you go…
Isaiah: That’s it I’ve had enough of you I want you to get of this restaurant in fact get out of my town because New York City doesn’t need Veronica Lodge.
(Veronica angrily stares at them and coldly walks out the door. Audience claps.)
Isaiah: (After a moment) What a BITCH.
Eric: yea, Punta.
Josh: She was a nappy-headed hoe.
Tony: Now what?
Eric: I say we head home and play some xbox, Halo multiplayer.
Isaiah: That sounds like a great idea.
Josh: We could listen to Neil Diamond as we play.
All but Josh: No
Josh: Just kidding.
The End
If you managed to reach the end,then I will reward with this bonus. Remember I said that i had two ideas? Well, here is the better one and to this day i wish we could have filmed the pilot episode instead of the other project. I had become a huge fan of the Office at this point and came up with an idea creating a fiction account of our Tv Production experiences. I appropriately titled it "Studio B209" and here are the premises for five episodes.
Studio B209
LIFE is one big production
Synopsis: This mockumentary follows the lives of high school students who sign up for a T.V. Production Class and the ridiculous tasks they have to take on given by their odd, stereotypical teacher. The teacher breaks the students into groups of four. We do get a look at all four groups, but most the time we will follow the progress of one group in particular called “The John Hughes Experience”, led by the creative yet annoying Corey.
The following are outlines I had for episodes.
Episode 1 – Coming Soon
In the pilot episode we get to meet the students of T.V. Production in AA style manner. The students are given their first task to make fake movie trailers and each group is given a specific genre. The JHE group has to make an exploitation trailer.
Episode 2 – Everybody’s a Little Bit Racist
For Black History Month, the students have to work together to create an ad campaign however some of the ideas cause a lot of controversy and tensions rise when Corey makes an offensive mistake. Nocturnal Moonlight and CJ try to write a song about protesting racism but their different beliefs make it difficult.
Episode 3 – eXXXplicit Content
Corey gets dumped by his girlfriend sending him into a major meltdown. Meanwhile the groups are asked to make soap operas. Controversy arises once again when Tom pitches porno leading to people to give their views on erotic cinema. The students uncover a secret about Mr. Lewis.
Episode 4 – Independent Jones
A group of students who have become extremely frustrated with their fellow classmates have decide to break from the class and create their own T.V. Production class only to have disastrous results. CJ and Tony compete to make the best music video. Bethany starts a Harry Potter band.
Episode 5 – In the season finale, for the final project the students are asked to work together to create a feature length film and opt to make a superhero movie. But with no budget and no professional actors will they be able to pull it off?
I still laugh at the episode summaries and wish we could have pursued that project. However, it was all a fun experience and I miss that class so much.
This has been Ian Feldman speaking words of wisdom.
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